Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Thank You for Being a Friend

There are no words to express the level of gratitude I feel towards all who have read my blog and offered up compliments on my writing. You see, I love to read. Read books of all sorts. Poetry, fiction, non-fiction, plays, etc. and I often think that I need to tell my own story. Well, one of my stories at least. I have so much to say. I think I have a decent vocabulary and I always thought I might be good at this whole writing thing. So here I am. The point of all of this is how grateful I am for the warm response to the idea of my getting all of these thoughts out of my head. I am so elated to not have them rattling around in my brain. I used to be very outspoken, but I feel that I am becoming more of an introvert as time passes. However, I find that I am much less willing to vocally put myself out there, so I keep it inside. It probably has something to do with all that I have been through in my nearly 37 years on earth. My family and very close friends are virtually the only ones who see the real me these days. When I am at work, there are only a couple of my coworkers that I feel comfortable being my silly self around and even then, I am reluctant to put myself out there and talk about my personal life. I don't want to annoy people by talking continuously about things that weigh on me or about my celebrity crush. There are times that it all seems so petty and I can't expect another person to really give a shit. I remember the days of working at the Clarence Brown Theatre box office and all of the times that I talked to my coworkers about anything and everything. Those were the "salad days" as they say. I used to act, so that was always a good outlet, but now that I am a single mom and have a full time job, the possibility of doing theatre seems to have diminished. So I am just letting my dear readers know that having this as a creative outlet AND getting such great compliments has improved my mood quite a lot over the past few days.
Another item that I have been giving a lot of thought lately is friendship. For the longest time I have felt so alone and that I didn't really have any friends. I realize that I do, of course. It's just that there wasn't a group of people that I could call up to go hang out with or go to dinner. Bateman had a bunch of friends, but there were only one or two of them that I could stand to be around. And the ones that were married had the most intolerable wives. They thought I was anti-social, but it was really my intolerance for bullshit that kept me from wanting to be around them. Plus, once I was with Bateman I felt the desire to have him all to myself. I wanted to be his best friend and to face everything with him. To be by his side through good and bad. However, that was obviously not his ideal. I remember him saying once that he didn't want to be my hobby. He was never my hobby. He was my life. I am extremely thankful that that is no longer the case. I understand that friends are important in life, but when you marry someone is it not meant for that person and whatever children you may have, to be your priority? He often chose his friends over me. When my niece was diagnosed with Cancer, I wanted to go to S.C. see her as soon as we could, but he didn't go because he had a Christmas party to host for his friends. Such selfish acts like that came from him so often. He always claimed to be so giving, but it was only if he thought he would get something in return at some point down the line. However, that is a topic for another time...maybe.
Since he has left, I have come to the realization that I have so many caring friends. I have gotten cards and letters. I have been taken out for drinks and for dinner. Zane and I have been invited to visit friends that live all over the world. My friend in England will likely have two visitors within this year. I have had the chance to have friends over to my house now that it no longer looks like a meth house from Breaking Bad. I am so thankful for my old friends and for new ones that I have made in the past few months who have "been there" for me. It has never been more obvious who truly cares for me and values me as a friend and that has blessed me, heart and soul.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

The Soundtrack of My Life

I have been thinking about music a lot lately. Music is something that I generally think about a lot anyway, but it's been occupying my thoughts quite a bit more as of late. Music is a funny thing. When one hears a song, it can instantly trigger a memory. Much in the same way scent can transport you to a place with just a quick whiff. I am the sort of person who assigns particular songs to a person or place. I will often create a playlist that reminds me of certain qualities I have found in a person. I have also created playlists which I listen to when I go to certain places like Cades Cove or driving to South Carolina. I even had a playlist when Zane and I went to Washington. All of that to say that in everything that has happened with Bateman, that has been one of the toughest things. He had songs that were assigned to him in my mind. Songs that I loved because I loved him. For me to hear those songs now is painful. Particularly any song by Mumford & Sons, which is awful because they are my favorite band. He and I saw them in concert twice and when I hear certain songs by them it sometimes transports me to the first show of theirs that we saw, which was the best concert I've ever seen. Or they take me to their last show we went to in August. That was around the time that I knew things between he and I were coming to an end. He seemed annoyed to be there and wasn't really sharing the experience with me. Now I am working so hard trying to hear their songs and have them be mine. I want to be able to hear The Cave, Little Lion Man or Hopeless Wanderer and not have it fire a synapse in my brain that automatically connects to him and his face. How do I do that?
The best thing though is the discovery of new artists and songs that I am falling in love with. Finding bands that I love that are my own. Hearing a song that I've never heard and making it my new theme song. Right now I am completely in love with the song One Day Like This by Elbow. It is such a sweet song and the lyrics are so wonderful and inspiring to me. I've been using it as my alarm to wake me up and it makes me smile instead of grimace at the thought of having to get out of bed to face the day. I imagine that the day is directly in front of me and it could truly hold something special. Another song I currently adore is Two Fingers by Jake Bugg. Give the two finger salute to yesterday. You're damn right! I'm alive and in a good place and that's where I plan to stay. It has also been so great to be able to listen to bands that I liked before. When I met Bateman I was a huge fan of Kings of Leon. Then he informed me of how his second wife played a couple of their songs all of the time and that he hated them. Being the people-pleaser that I am, I quit listening to them. Although, I will say that my musical tastes have evolved over the last few years, so I don't enjoy their music in the same way. However, their song Sex on Fire still does something to me. It's just a damn sexy song!
I'm just really thankful that some songs that I have loved for so long, but don't listen to on a regular basis haven't been ruined. He never really seemed interested in the Indie music that I prefer. Like Deathcab for Cutie, Arcade Fire, The Lumineers, or Radiohead. Thank goodness! He never really seemed to care for some of the older artists that I love. For instance, Bateman hated The Beatles. I mean...what the HELL?! He said that they were overrated. Complete bullshit if you ask me. The Beatles are my all time favorite band, so really he did me a favor. None of their songs have been ruined for me. We never listened to Van Morrison together either thank God! My favorite song by Van Morrison, Sweet Thing, has the ability to ring true each time it comes back around for me. I hadn't thought of the song in a while, but saw it mentioned by an actor I dearly love (gee...I wonder who?) and it caused me to get my CD out to listen to the song. It transports me to a memory I have of Zane's dad and a couple of friends from about sixteen years ago. The song wasn't playing in that moment, but the images that the lyrics call to mind take me there. "We shall walk and talk in gardens all misty wet with rain." It also drudges up those memories of other past love and how those just weren't the right ones. There could be one coming in the future and one will be able to take things at face value. "I'll be satisfied not to read in between the lines." One has to hold out hope. Not me, though. If I ever decide to try again, which is highly doubtful, the man will have to be very special, but there I go digressing again....
I have a current playlist that I am wearing out. I've tied it to the thoughts of people that I adore. Many of them are some of my old favorites and others are new recommendations that I've read about on-line. Several are British...surprise surprise. Alt-J, Elbow, London Grammar, and Stone Roses for example. If any of you reading have a suggestion, please feel free to chime in and offer them up. Thanks again to all for reading!

Saturday, January 18, 2014

Here I Go Again...On My Own

WOW! I haven't blogged in 3 1/2 years. Back in 2009 I blogged quite a bit. I have hidden most of them out of embarrassment. I may put them back on at some point. We shall see. Looking at my previous posts, it is amazing how much a person can change in what seems like a small span of time. With that said, please don't judge me based on my previous posts...

Alright. I was urged a few weeks ago by my friend Mandi, who was eagerly supported by my friend Elizabeth, to blog about my life and the way that I have been feeling over the past few months. I am not making any kind of commitment that this will be a regular event. There just aren't enough hours in the day. With work and being a mom, by the time I get home at night I just want to chill with my kiddo and watch Sherlock or YouTube videos of Benedict Cumberbatch until bedtime. That's normal, right? Seriously though, I am making Zane a priority and if I get to blog, then good. If not....meh. I'll get to it. I will be changing people's names in an effort to protect the privacy of some and to avoid any sort of run-ins with others. Also, I'm going to use the kind of language I want. It may be offensive in some instances but they are meant as "sentence enhancers". My point being, I have spent far too long not really being myself. I don't want to do that any more, we go.
Quite a few people have asked me about the date that I went on a couple of weeks ago. I don't want to go into too much detail about it. I was VERY nervous and up until the moment I walked through the door of the restaurant, I thought it was a bad idea. It wasn't. However, not for the reason you might think. My date, Albert was very sweet and super funny, which is my favorite quality in a man. Considering that has always been the case, why was I ever with Bateman? (American Psycho reference anyone...) However, that's a topic for another day. The date went well. He had a bit of a Napoleon Complex, I think but he was kind and complimentary. I will say, I even kissed him. I shouldn't have done, but I just thought I'd try it. I went home and the next morning I came to a realization. I don't want to date anyone. For a long time. Maybe that is unrealistic to think, but I have ZERO interest in going out with anyone. At this point in my life, I have had a couple of tries at relationships, but I don't make good choices. I don't necessarily mean in the men I choose, but in the choices I make when I am in a relationship. In truth, there is only one man that could ask me out right now and receive "Yes" as the answer, but that is highly unlikely to happen. Anyone care to wager a guess as to who that might be? 
Zane and I are really enjoying having the townhouse to ourselves. I am redecorating it in a style that thrills me beyond measure. It's nothing fancy, but it is so wonderful to finally have a home that I look forward to coming to every day. I used to dread it so much. There was so much clutter and I didn't get any help from Bateman. I am able to shut my closet door. For 2 years, I slept in my bedroom with the closet door open, because the floor was so cluttered and we had such little room for everything that we couldn't close it. Now...all of my clothes and shoes fit in there and I am able to shut the door! You have no idea how good that felt on the day that I finished arranging my bedroom and shut that door. All that time worrying that the "Closet Monster" might get me!  That was a movie reference. Does anyone know which one?
I digress...

And I think I will stop there for now. I feel good about this. It feels nice to do something creative and to get my thoughts out there. I post things on Facebook, but people seem to truly get upset and comment that Facebook isn't a place for therapy. My point of view on that is that I am a single mother with a full time job and little opportunity at a social life. In addition, many of my family members and closest friends live hundreds, if not thousands, of miles away. I use Facebook as a way to connect with them and if I need to mention things that are happening in my life or how I'm feeling about them, it is much better than keeping it inside and going into a deep depression.

Well, feel free to leave comments. They make me happy. Let me know what you think about the idea of a blog as a form of therapy.
AND in the US watch Sherlock tomorrow night on PBS. You still have the rest of today and tomorrow to watch Series 1 and 2 so that you can get caught up. Series 3 is fantastic and I know I've beat this dead horse, but Sherlock is the best show on television in any country. Martin Freeman is wonderful and Benedict Cumberbatch is perfection, so WATCH!!
And just FYI Benedict will be presenting at the SAG Awards tonight. I am pretty stoked about that.