There are no words to express the level of gratitude I feel towards all who have read my blog and offered up compliments on my writing. You see, I love to read. Read books of all sorts. Poetry, fiction, non-fiction, plays, etc. and I often think that I need to tell my own story. Well, one of my stories at least. I have so much to say. I think I have a decent vocabulary and I always thought I might be good at this whole writing thing. So here I am. The point of all of this is how grateful I am for the warm response to the idea of my getting all of these thoughts out of my head. I am so elated to not have them rattling around in my brain. I used to be very outspoken, but I feel that I am becoming more of an introvert as time passes. However, I find that I am much less willing to vocally put myself out there, so I keep it inside. It probably has something to do with all that I have been through in my nearly 37 years on earth. My family and very close friends are virtually the only ones who see the real me these days. When I am at work, there are only a couple of my coworkers that I feel comfortable being my silly self around and even then, I am reluctant to put myself out there and talk about my personal life. I don't want to annoy people by talking continuously about things that weigh on me or about my celebrity crush. There are times that it all seems so petty and I can't expect another person to really give a shit. I remember the days of working at the Clarence Brown Theatre box office and all of the times that I talked to my coworkers about anything and everything. Those were the "salad days" as they say. I used to act, so that was always a good outlet, but now that I am a single mom and have a full time job, the possibility of doing theatre seems to have diminished. So I am just letting my dear readers know that having this as a creative outlet AND getting such great compliments has improved my mood quite a lot over the past few days.
Another item that I have been giving a lot of thought lately is friendship. For the longest time I have felt so alone and that I didn't really have any friends. I realize that I do, of course. It's just that there wasn't a group of people that I could call up to go hang out with or go to dinner. Bateman had a bunch of friends, but there were only one or two of them that I could stand to be around. And the ones that were married had the most intolerable wives. They thought I was anti-social, but it was really my intolerance for bullshit that kept me from wanting to be around them. Plus, once I was with Bateman I felt the desire to have him all to myself. I wanted to be his best friend and to face everything with him. To be by his side through good and bad. However, that was obviously not his ideal. I remember him saying once that he didn't want to be my hobby. He was never my hobby. He was my life. I am extremely thankful that that is no longer the case. I understand that friends are important in life, but when you marry someone is it not meant for that person and whatever children you may have, to be your priority? He often chose his friends over me. When my niece was diagnosed with Cancer, I wanted to go to S.C. see her as soon as we could, but he didn't go because he had a Christmas party to host for his friends. Such selfish acts like that came from him so often. He always claimed to be so giving, but it was only if he thought he would get something in return at some point down the line. However, that is a topic for another time...maybe.
Since he has left, I have come to the realization that I have so many caring friends. I have gotten cards and letters. I have been taken out for drinks and for dinner. Zane and I have been invited to visit friends that live all over the world. My friend in England will likely have two visitors within this year. I have had the chance to have friends over to my house now that it no longer looks like a meth house from Breaking Bad. I am so thankful for my old friends and for new ones that I have made in the past few months who have "been there" for me. It has never been more obvious who truly cares for me and values me as a friend and that has blessed me, heart and soul.
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